Hey y'all - no, I didn't quit already. I got sick, like, the day after Christmas ... and I'm still recovering. This is the harshest physical illness I've had in years, it's nuts. So I'm currently having my ass beat by germs. Thanks Winter and germ-spreading evil people!

Digging Deep

"I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion."
— 'Fight Song', Rachel Platten

Shaun T is one of my favorite fitness 'gurus'. I like Jillian Michaels, too — and now, Kaelin Tuell Poulin. But it's funny because whenever I hear "dig deep!" I think of Shaun T encouraging me through an Insanity DVD (which I don't have anymore, unfortunately - maybe some time soon). When I hear something about "phoning it in", I think of Jillian Michaels because she says it like eighteen times in her 30-day Shred DVD. When I think of Kaelin ... I think of this pretty cool chick I could hang out with or something. The way she talks is very captivating. Very real, very honest. As if you were talking to a friend. And that's pretty cool.

So, I'm still going through the Kickoff phase of the LadyBoss lifestyle, doing some work on myself. Accumulating goals, why I want to do this, and positive affirmations for myself to reference on my journey so I always know why I'm doing what I'm doing, and what the end result I'm working toward is.

My last post was full of a lot of maybes. I didn't want to have high expectations of and for myself, and then simply just fail and bomb — which I feel like I've just continuously done since I graduated from college. I have all of this garbage from the past 10 years of my life on my back, and it weighs much more than fat. I'm going to need to shed that like I am the fat pounds. I need to be free — free to move, free to be me, free to achieve success, and free to be both happy about it and to BELIEVE. 

So how about some positivity?

Three Goals:
1) Lose weight toward a goal of ~180 lb.
2) Play (outside) more with Kidlet.
3) See something through to the end!

Why:
1) To become healthier physically and mentally.
2) To gain confidence and feel comfortable & attractive in my body — oh yeah, not to not get winded doing simple things!
3) Kidlet asked me to, and I want to spend more time with him in the long- and short-run.
4) To attract a healthy partner.
5) To show that I can accomplish something and I can begin to stop punishing myself for the past.
6) "WHY?" ... ... ... well, WHY NOT ME?!

Affirmations:
1) You CAN do this — you. are. a. LadyBoss! You WILL stick to a healthy lifestyle — especially with the support from LadyBoss and LB sisters!
2) Working hard for something makes the payoff that much sweeter!
3) You will stop punishing yourself.
4) You have always put your son FIRST and are always trying to do what's in his best interest! You are an amazing mother!
4) Yes, you WILL be happy! You are already happy in some ways ... and it can only get better from here!

These are things I will be writing in my personal (handwritten) journal daily. I will also be adding a gratitude aspect as I learned about in counseling treatment - three things each day (or each entry) that I'm grateful for. Sometimes they might be big things ... sometimes small. I think there's a time and a place to appreciate anything and everything.

So, I dug deep today - not for a big work out. Well, not a physical one anyway. But for a mental workout. Doing the work, putting the time in, digging deep, and not phoning it in applies to so much more than just choosing the right foods and making sure to make yourself sweat each day. It means exercising your mind and taking care of your mental fitness, too.

I can definitely say "Mission Accomplished" to that today!

The (Pink!) Elephant in the Room

Here I sit, a snowy morning at nearly 6:30 AM, wide awake. This rarely ever happens for me - for a number of reasons. But I'm here. I woke up, and I was hungry but I took pause to take my first picture - my BEFORE picture. I took all of my measurements, weight included. And now I'm happily settled here with a cup of tea and a banana muffin. The muffin might not be cool yet - I'm still brand new. But I like prepping. Even though Kaelin preps you, I can be so anal retentive that I like to prep for my prep! 

Either way, I'll take the silence of the morning, the comfort of a cup of tea, and the promise of an entire day ahead of me.

I put myself last always. It's a fact. So many others do as well - some know it, some don't. Some pretend like they don't, when they really do. This is what I used to do. Or I'll work on 'one thing at a time' so as not to overwhelm my already paranoid and delicate sensibilities.

My story isn't unique; I've been overweight my entire life. I've dieted and exercised, yo-yo'd and whatnot, finished school, been married/divorced, had a baby, worked and not worked. Basically, I've just lived life. I'm in my early thirties and have been waiting for my life to begin since I was a teenager. I guess I always thought something better was going to come along. I've known, seriously, in the back of my head, that my life is what I make it. I'm living right now, whether it's the way I want to or not. If it's not how I want to ... then I should change it. Easier said than done, right?

What if it really is that easy, though? What if it really is as easy as making one decision a day and continuing on. Make a goal, reach a goal. Something big, something small - who cares, so long as it's something you want?

I was never looking for a 'weight loss solution'. I've had decent success with the South Beach diet way of eating and whenever I was feeling particularly motivated, I'd pick the book back up, and go at it hardcore for a few weeks, drop some weight, and then crash and burn. It simply is ... just what happens, right? Well, to the vast majority of us.

But who knows - maybe there is something different out there. I'd never heard of LadyBoss before, or Kaelin Tuell Poulin, or any of that crap. But one day, randomly, a video of hers popped up on my Facebook feed. The title caught my attention and, so, I watched it.

This is the video that hooked me.

Wait, what? Some 'fitness guru' telling me they hated personal training? I was intrigued. And yeah, it's a little click-baity, but not totally off the mark. She talks about how she dislikes the way personal training has seemingly become about making clients become more dependent on trainers as opposed to teaching them how to eventually manage on their own.

I can understand the need for supply and demand - make them depend on you, demand goes up for your services, you supply said services, and Congratulations! you can feed your family for another month.

But let's face it - the only way America's weight issues are going away is if we suddenly drop down the World Food Chain and we suddenly can't access luxuries like fast food, pre-made supermarket meals, or a whole lot of food to begin with. There are plenty of fat people to train.

I'm one of them.

I signed on for a free 7-day trial, and I'm trying to absorb as much information as possible to see if this is for me. But so far I see several differences - or, well, on major one: COMMUNITY. Support from others going through exactly what you're doing. 35,000+ women making their lives count now one day at a time.

Maybe I'll have success, maybe I'll bomb. Maybe I'll get back up, and maybe I won't.

But the promise of 'maybe' is a lot more than some people have, and I should show my appreciation for it.